The Lord of the Matrix
by d7-Poet
Summary: Watch LotR characters run through the plot of the Matrix.  There's some other movies in there (like right now there's a line from Monty Python, and a line from "From a Distance" by whoever sings that song).  I'll try to keep up with the movies, but there
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own The Matrix of the Lord of the Rings. If some other movies that aren't mine creep into this fic I'll let you know, that they aren't mine if A. I remember, and B. I know the name of the movie I take the lines/characters from. I credit for nothing except the stupidity of this fic.  
  
Disclaimer 2: This fic can (and probably will) result in a loss of many millions of brain cells. Reader is to take full responsibility for this while the writer will not...  
  
-- - -----  
  
The Lord of the Matrix   
  
[Start scene with awesome view of river surrounded by a thick forest on either side. We can hear two distinct voices. Camera slowly zooms in]  
  
Orc 1: Yeah.  
  
Orc 2: Is everything in place?  
  
Orc 1: You weren't supposed to relieve me.  
  
Orc 2: I know, but I felt like taking your shift.  
  
Orc 1: You like him, don't you? You like watching him.  
  
Orc 2: Don't be ridiculous.  
  
Orc 1: We're going to kill him, do you understand that?  
  
Orc 2: Saruman believes he is 'The One'.  
  
Orc 1: Do you?  
  
Orc 2: It doesn't matter what I believe.  
  
Orc 1: You don't, do you.  
  
Orc 2: Did you hear that?  
  
Orc 1: Hear what?  
  
Orc 2: An oliphant! Over there!  
  
Orc 1: Heeey...I don't see any oliph---  
  
[Orc 2 hits Orc 1 with the flat end of his sword]  
  
Orc 1: I get it, you just want him for yourself don't you? Oh yeah? Take this!  
  
[Orc 1 jumps into air, time 'freezes' while the camera does a 360 around Orc 1, who is poised to attack, then time returns to normal and Orc 1 kicks Orc 2]  
  
Orc 2: Why you little...  
  
[Orc 2 proceeds to run after Orc 1 with two hands on hilt of sword held over head. Orc 1 chops off Orc 2's right hand before he can come down and split Orc 1's skull in half.]  
  
Orc 2 [charging at Orc 1]: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH[BTW, this is all happening in slow-mo]HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(10 years later)HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
[Orc 1 chops off Orc 2's other hand. Orc 1 proceeds to throw several small daggers at Orc 2 who dodges them by bending backwards in what appears to be a rather uncomfortable position]  
  
Orc 1 (with a French accent): Ok, so you have some skill...but can you handle this?  
  
[Orc 1 chops off Orc 2's right leg]  
  
Orc 2: 'Tis a flesh wound!  
  
[Orc 2 hops toward Orc 1 in a feeble attempt for an attack, Orc 1 chops off his other leg, so Orc two pulls himself over to Orc won but then Orc A removes Orc too's left arm, followed by Orc B's right arm. Then Orc II slithers over, snake style, to Orc i and is received with a kick to the face and a swift severing of the head. We watch as Orc 2's head is flung several miles away]  
  
Orc 2 (from a distance, you look like my friend even though we are at wa---ok, I'll stop): I didn't NEED THAT!  
  
-- - ----- 


	2. Wells and Lake

Disclaimer: I do not own the Matrix or the Lord of the Rings. I really wish I did...but unfortunately I do not. Anything else that's not mine isn't mine either. Sometimes I think things are mine and they are not. I'll try to give credit wherever I need to!  
  
Disclaimer 2: This fic can (and probably will) result in a loss of many millions of brain cells. Reader is to take full responsibility for this while the writer will not...  
  
-- - -----  
  
The Lord of the Matrix  
  
[We're in some sort of secret hidden hole in some not so secret or hidden cave. We see an Uruk Hai kick the door in and raise a crossbow]  
  
Uruk Hai: Freeze! Uruk Hai! Hands on your head! Do it! Do it now!  
  
[Camera moves from police guy to someone garbed in the traditional Rohirrim-ian way who slowly puts his hands up. Camera zooms in on some obscure object and then we find ourselves outside]  
  
Grishnákh: Isengarder...  
  
Uglúk: Oh Nazgul dung.  
  
[Uglúk snaps his fingers and stomps his foot]  
  
Grishnákh: Isengarder, you were given specific orders.  
  
Uglúk: Hey, I'm just doing my job. You give me that juris- my diction crap, and you can cram it up your ass.  
  
Grishnákh: Your orders were for your protection.  
  
Uglúk [laughs]: I think we can handle one Rohirrim...  
  
[Grishnákh walks away rather sulk-i-ly]  
  
Uglúk: I sent two units. They're bringing her down now.  
  
Grishnákh [turns around and with a smirk he says]: No Isengarder, your Uruk Hai are already dead.  
  
[Back inside we see one Uruk Hai taking out some rope to tie up their next mea---I mean prisoner, however, the Rohirrim turns around bitch-slaps the Uruk Hair around a bit breaks his arm. The Rohirrim jumps into the air for a rather flashy move and it is at this time that we recognise this man/woman/whatever as the cross-dressing hermaphrodite (is it even possible to be a cross-dressing hermraphordite...it like one of those 'impossible' pictures where the elephant has 7 legs or the stairs keep going up...it just can't be right, but it is...oh...hey, sorry, I forgot about you for a minute there...anyhoo) named Eowyn.]  
  
Eowyn [picks up the palantir she ripped off of Aragorn]: Gimli, my scent was traced, I don't know how.  
  
Gimli: I know, you cut the cheese. There's no time, you're going to have to get to another exit.  
  
Eowyn: Are there any Nazgul?  
  
Gimli: Yes.  
  
Eowyn: Iluvatar-dammit.  
  
Gimli: You have to focus, Eowyn. There's a bathroom at Wells and Lake. You can make it.  
  
Eowyn: All right.  
  
Gimli: Go!  
  
[We hear that all too familiar sound of rushing water in the background]  
  
Gimli: I mean leave! Depart! Excape! Exit! Flee! Shove off! Vamoose! Etc.! Not...[makes weird grunting noises as he thinks of the right word] GO!  
  
Eowyn: Oops.  
  
[Eowyn giggles and covers her mouth in that girlie 'I didn't mean to do that' sort of fashion then runs away with a faint 'squish-squish' noise] 


End file.
